Dear Fisher Price;

Well hello again. Just wanted to leave a quick note. Does anyone know the e-mail address of the president of Fisher Price or one of the other giant toy manufacturers? I want to write him and demand that his company cease and desist making colorful baby toys. Babies do not want color they want real things. Why can’t they make a remote control toy that looks exactly like a real remote control but can’t turn the channels or turn the TV off. Or a phone that has the same colorations as a real phone with small buttons and everything, all it has to do is light up and occasionally ring. Baby V detests his toy phone and toy remote control, but he goes crazy for the real thing. I mean sure he presses a few buttons on the ‘laugh and learn’ phone, but the second I take out my real one he is over by my side heaving his body over my fat thighs to reach the boring black phone. The child will do anything for a remote control; even get his diaper changed without jumping off of the changing table. Please Fisher Price get me a phone in black and silver that says, ‘Hi Baby V! Stop rocking the goddamn rocking chair!” The kid also has a foot fetish, or at least the beginning of one. If he sees my white slippers he goes for them, if he sees my uncovered toes (or anyone else’s toes) he licks them. Baby V also laughs hysterically when he sees wiggling toes, anyone’s wiggling toes. Yes some moms have to teach their kids not to pick their nose in public but I will be teaching him not to lick stranger’s feet.
Love,
Me