And now ...

V is 3 and E is 2 months old. Insane. V had Elmo visit him on Saturday and he loved it. Slava taped the whole thing. V ended the festivities by saying, "Thank you guests! Leave!" He then went to sleep.

So this whole excited thing ...

I'm not excited! Everyone asks, "Aren't you excited to be pregnant?" No I am not. It still doesn't feel real to me. It feels like I am going to wake up and it will all be a dream and V will be pulling on the covers saying, "Wake up Mama!"
I don't even know the right word to describe how detached I am with this pregnancy. When Baby V was just a little seahorse at 1 month gestation I felt more connected to him then I do right now with his boxing, wave doing, brother/sister. And man do I feel GUILTY.
Maybe it is that lack of symptoms, or the lack of attention from family members this time around. It just doesn't feel like I am pregnant.
I know it could be worse, I could be facing multiple losses and all the rest but I can't help myself. I want this baby badly but I am not excited over the pregnancy, does that even make sense.
Send me a bruger to make me feel better, or a whole chicken battered and fried.
Love,
Me

Y.M.C.A.

So I joined the Y. So far I have been getting my butt there every single day during the week and working out for an hour and a half. V is in their daycare and so far so good. Of course I ruin it all by snacking on celery with peanut butter and raisins. Self destructive behavior will always find a way to win in my household.
I do love the gym though. I love that for an hour and a half I don't have to watch my child but can watch Cable guilt free. I might even give the news a quick look over one of these days so that I am not completly surprised that our country is run by a moron. Love that John Stuart.

I love you all too.
Now Teletubies are almost over and I have to go wrestle the exalted and revered child into his bed for a nap so that mama can go get herself a drink to chase down that quarter pounder with cheese.

Love,
Me

::steam coming out of ears::

Well Mrs SC was absolutely right. I should have never become friends with N. and should have ended my relationship with her long before now. That woman has the nerve to accuse me of doing something 'not right' with her child while I babysat him for free. To top it all she doesn't accuse me of this to my face so that I could defend myself but she tells all this to J. before telling me a dumbed down version. I am abolutely horrified that she would even think this, I have never even raised my voice to that child (unlike her banshee screaming every time they come over). I would never raise my hand to a child and for her to imply to a third party that I did is just plain wrong. Beside that she is basing this assumption on the fact that her kid gets upset when they come over but as far as I can tell this is a complete lie. Her kid has never cried over being here, he is all smiles and scrambling up the stairs when he sees us. He gives me and V hugs, I don't think an abused child would be that friendly. Of course he does pry toys out of V's hands but he does that when N is here as well, and she yells her head off at him for that. I don't even yell, the only thing I have ever said to that boy is to stop taking the toys away that he already had a turn and why don't we just put them away for now. That doesn't sound that bad right?
I get the feeling that she just wants J to stop being friends with me so she could have her all to herself. She talks rather nastily to J about me and then turns around and says she has never talked about me behind my back because she thinks J agrees with her and doesn't tell me all the crap that N says about me. I am now offically cutting off all communication with that woman. With friends like that who needs enemies right?

On the up side

Vova can count to 10 ( he forgets to include the 6 )
Vova knows 9 letters of the alphabet (A, B, C, G, P, S, T, U, Y)
Can build an awsome tower out of pyramid rings putting the smallest ring in the bottom and building up.
Vova can put 2 words together and is obviously the most awsome kid on the plannet. Oh okay he is tied for that title with Emma, Eva, Lukas, Ava, Abby and the future children of Miss AM, Miss EL, and Miss J, and Mrs JN.


Love,
Me

maybe when I stop being very very upset I will write something more intresting about our life but for now I am going to steam off the internet.

Advice please

I watch a toddler boy ever Tuesday and Thursday for about an hour and a half to two hours for a friend. I have been doing this for over 6 months with no compensation. Originally I agreed to this because I thought I would have physical therapy soon and would need her to watch V as well, but I don’t. I also thought this would be a one time deal of 8weeks of therapy for her and then no more, but she was sent back to therapy and no end is in sight. I have never asked her to watch V and am no feeling very resentful of her and her boy. I don’t like that I have to give up those two hours everyday to a kid V barely gets along with, both boys like the same toys and fight like mad. On top of that She just expects me to take her son for every appointment she has without even asking me about it. She also refers to me as her babysitter and I hate that because babysitters get paid and she never even treats me when we go out although she always says she will. Maybe it won’t be so bad when the weather turns really sour but right now I hate it. I want it to stop and don’t know how without ruining the friendship.
Any ideas?
Oh I have also met a new friend J. and her little girl Abby. V loves Abby and I like J. We are close in age and share a lot of the same interests, plus our husbands get along. My other friend N., whose kid I watch, also knows J and is now trying to cause problems because she thinks I prefer J to her. I know she talks behind my back to J (J told me) and has even made a suggestion that I like J in the more then friend’s kind of way. It basically feels like we are in high school. N says that I always want to hang out with J and take her only as an alternative to J. She says a lot of stuff that isn’t true and I have told her that all of this is not true but she seems to think of these friendships as competitions. I have never been more popular. Of course what gets me is that if I was sexually attracted to J, N had no business pointing it out and ruining my chances. I told DH about it and last night we had dinner with J and her Dh and had a good laugh about it. Predictably N has not told me that she thinks I have the ‘hots’ for J and not her.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Love,
ME

Pretending I never went away

We have moved back into our house (Close to 4 weeks now) and are trying to get everything, and everyone back into the groove.
V has not been sleeping well, and he has been sick. My mom had the brilliant idea to transition V to a toddler bed upon our return home, so we did. V loves the freedom this bed give him. For 4 weeks now he has been refusing to sleep alone. At first I sat with him until he would fall asleep and then left to stumble into my bed. He would wake up an hour later and come get me. I would give up and sleep on the floor at the foot of his bed until he awoke and walked all over my face. Got tired of that.
Then I read a wonderful book that suggested I try sitting a bit further away from his bed every night to get him used to falling asleep on his own. I tried but every weekend DH would ruin all my efforts because he refuses to get onboard with the plan and V uses this shamelessly.
As of Yesterday I am fed up with both my men. I have moved on the the 'walking child back to bed 500 times every 4 hours' technique. The name is basically self explanatory. Have to say that this has been slightly easier because V is sick and I have to give him cough medicine that makes it impossible for him to get back out of bed after an hour or so. Soon, however, I will have to stop drugging him, DAMN it. Remind me to get antibiotics.
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My back is okay, hurts but not too bad. I am basically stuck with this for the rest of my life and the only thing I prey for is that this 'okay' feeling is not the result of the steroid shot that will wear of by Christmas. If it wears off and I go back into that hell I will not be pleased. Nevermind the pain, if this isn't permanent I will not be able to have kids anytime soon. Hmmm ... How long does it take for a disk to degenerate into nothing? 10 yesr or 20?

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The neighbor's in the back of us have decided to clear out some of the trees in their HUGE yard and let their 2 kids and their friends race dirt bikes underneath our bedroom windows. I can feel the value of our house eroding. The noise also dies nothing good for my headaches or for V's terror of loud sounds. When those a'holes (sorry) are racing I can not open windows (the smell and the sound are too much) or take V to play in OUR backyard. My mother wants to mine the bike path, horrid right? However, after 6 hours of noise on a Sunday or Saturday I am ready to consider it. Even worse the adults are the overbearing, argumentative types (the mom had the nerve to yell at my mother) and they don't get why it is unkind to do this to neighbors. There should be laws forbidding this sort of thing, but apparently not. Bastards the lot of them.

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Oh I have to mention that our whole family is sick. DH brought it home from work first. V caught the cough and runny nose second and has been coughing for 3 weeks now. I have just recently been overpowered by this nasty bug. I think the only reason I got sick is because of that lack of sleep I mentioned. My immunity system is just not in working order.
Man what I would do for some NyQuil and 10 hours of sleep.

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The lack of sleeping is also preventing me from writing often, but I will try.

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V is almost 2 and his birthday party is on DECEMBER 2nd. Are YOU coming?


Love,
Me

Pain

As you know after the surgery I was not allowed to sit for a long time and because my keyboard is now attached by usb to the laptop writing while reclining is Hard. I am still not allowed to sit, actually I can not sit, and I am writing this to tell you that I will continue to not update this website for some time to come. V continues to do adorable things but I am doing very poorly.
The surgery did not work as was expected. For some time afterwards everything was wonderful and pain free. I was very happy and looking forward to playing with V and making more babies with DH. Last Monday I wok up and my lower back, to the right of the tailbone, hurt. I thought it was just my period letting me know that it will be coming by for a visit. The pain got worse and no period came. I am back on drugs and they are once again not helping. I can’t move without a horrific amount of pain and I am not exaggerating. Sorry I won’t wine much longer.
I am getting another MRI on the 16th of August and a consultation with the Dr on the 12th of September. I am calling them again today to ask for stronger drugs because I cannot last a month longer. The Dr’s assistant said this might go away on its own, I might have to get another steroid shot or three, or I might have to get more surgery and not the simple procedure I just had.
DH has been fantastic and loving and kind and I am grateful that I have such a wonderful husband who does so much to help me out.
My parents have also been wonderful but not as great as DH.
V deserves and award for being the best kid in the universe. He is adorable and very understanding and extremely affectionate. He says a lot more words and half words now and it is getting easier and easier to understand him. He is also doing a lot more for himself, soon he will have no need for me or DH or my parents. We are planning on moving him to a toddler bed when we get back home in September. I hope he will like it. He is still a bit young for toddler bed but he is so tall I don’t want to risk keeping him in the crib.
I have to go now and become a vegetable.
I miss writing to you.
I miss all of you.
Please write me, even if I can’t always answer back with a long letter/post I can always read and scribble something short.

Love,
ME